Bob Stouffer, PhD, serves as the superintendent of Des Moines Christian School. He has served there since 2000, after 20 years as a public school teacher, coach, and administrator.
My great friend Ken Anderson recently died of cancer. Ken and I enjoyed a friendship marked by supernatural love. We intentionally committed time and energy to each other. We listened actively to each other. We prayed for and with each other. Together, we studied, meditated on, and memorized the Word of God. We thought of the other more highly than ourselves. We served each other. We found joy in the accomplishments of the other’s children. We encouraged each other to be better husbands to our wives. We held each other accountable for our choices and priorities in our schedules. We forgave freely. We persevered as friends, and I am actually jealous of my 48-year-old friend for experiencing the glories of heaven and Jesus Christ before I will.
In American culture, this type of friendship is rare among people, let alone men. In our busy world, this is the type of relationship that believers in Christ should seek passionately. If superficial emoticons and text messaging characterize postmodern communication, then we must teach the young people in our Christ-centered schools how to listen actively, ask good questions, engage in effective conversation, and form godly relationships like the one I so much enjoyed with Ken Anderson.
Relationships are nearly always at the heart of life’s challenges. Board members sometimes argue with administrators. Teachers complain about leadership. Parents get angry with teachers. Students disobey authority figures. We all gossip about one another. And such behaviors occur in the Body of Christ! We should know better. What about our students? How can we partner with parents to help students develop godly relationships as they start school and continue their spiritual growth throughout their lives? I have an excellent answer—The Great Relationship Experience (TGRE)!
The Des Moines Christian School (DMCS) board of directors, as well as the school’s teachers and administrative team members, are dedicated to helping students discover the keys to godly relationships. Teaching about relationships is not fluff. Teaching about relationships has just as much “stuff” as the three Rs—reading, ’riting, and ’rithmetic. Relationship problems are usually at the heart of problems in families, neighborhoods, churches, work settings, and schools. Communication and relationships are effective when based on the Word of God! The “one another” statements of the Epistles are enough to convince us about the need for good teaching about relationships.
We cannot carry out this task alone. We must co-labor closely with parents, who have the primary responsibility for discipling and educating their children. The Lord led us at DMCS to a strategic partnership with a powerful international ministry in Des Moines: America’s Family Coaches (AFC). The Great Relationship Experience came from Dr. Gary and Barb Rosberg’s “the great marriage experience,” a framework that teaches couples and churches how to learn and live the Rosbergs’ “six secrets to a lasting love.”
We saw a need to disciple students so that they would grow intellectually and conform to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:29). Members of our board of directors were eager to develop a character program. The nationally known Character Counts program was mentioned as a possibility. Although Character Counts apparently works in the nation’s public schools, we believe that Christ’s character counts and that biblical truth must be the core of any teaching about character and relationships. Ultimately, our belief in Christ as Christians is defined by how we apply His teaching on relationships!
I strongly opposed just another program. We needed a system. We needed a common vocabulary. We needed to nurture a culture of godliness. We needed an ongoing approach to reinforce the keys to godly relationships. We prayed that God would steer us in the right direction. God answered our prayers!
Gary and Barb Rosberg; DMCS’s elementary principal, Cade Lambert; AFC’s Dr. Clint Grider; and I were led by the Holy Spirit to consider an approach to effectively teach DMCS students how to forge great relationships in school, with their families, in their neighborhoods, and at their churches—in literally all their spheres of influence. But most important, the initiative is designed to help them filter the negative influences that the world is throwing at them and to build a biblical worldview regarding marriage, family, and all those whom God brings into their paths.
The Great Relationship Experience teaches “six keys to godly relationships”: forgiveness, boundaries, commitment, service, perseverance, and joy. Three of the six themes are repeated, each with a different focus, to reinforce those keys during the nine-month school year.
Each theme carries an “X-claim,” a pithy, memorable phrase that allows for quick recall of the month’s theme: forgiveness = “live at peace,” boundaries = “guard your heart,” commitment = “all through Christ,” service = “honor one another,” perseverance = “build your character,” and joy =“overflow with hope.”
Each theme also centers on a passage of Scripture as its biblical underpinning:
- Forgiveness. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NIV).
- Boundaries. “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23).
- Commitment. “I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13).
- Service. “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves” (Romans 12:10).
- Perseverance. “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us” (Romans 5:3–5).
- Joy. “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).
Students are literally bombarded by TGRE themes—during classroom instruction, at weekly chapels, during table-talk discussions with their families, and at teachable moments that occur at other times. During chapels, I have taught elementary, junior high, and high school students about the Rosbergs’ pivotal “loop of forgiveness” in order to help the students understand the choices they are making when they are confronted with situations that can result either in a lack of forgiveness (an open loop) or in resolved conflict (a closed loop). It has been gratifying to hear board members apply TGRE principles during meetings when they talk about closing the loop of conflict when reconciliation is necessary.
Parental involvement is also critical to the success of TGRE. Parents and guardians have the ultimate responsibility for the character formation and education of their children. Parents must not abdicate that biblical responsibility to schools, churches, or other institutions. Neither should Christian schools and churches enable parents and guardians to abdicate that responsibility. Deuteronomy 6 obviously charges parents and grandparents with the responsibility for teaching their children and grandchildren when they “sit at home,” “walk along the road,” “lie down,” and “get up” (v. 7).
Schoolchildren also need to see their parents and other family members actively modeling and working to apply the very principles they are learning. TGRE is sensitive to and supportive of single-parent families, families affected by divorce, and blended families—to the same degree as any other families. We kicked off the new school year with an exciting rally to introduce TGRE to parents and guardians. Parents have access to a monthly Web link for access to the Rosbergs’ audio teaching, which can be downloaded and saved for later listening. Parents also have access to printable summaries of the Rosbergs’ teaching, links to AFC conferences, written publications, audiovisual resources, “turn-to-your-mate questions for dates with a purpose,” and table-talk questions to discuss with their children. So TGRE promotes true discipleship—encouraging parents, students, and school staff to learn, model, and apply biblical truth together.
Teachers have access to the provided curriculum materials and all other TGRE materials at the AFC website. We put materials into the hands of our teachers so that they are not forced to make excessive preparation for TGRE. The materials naturally integrate with their classroom teaching to prevent supplanting other valuable parts of their curriculum. TGRE teaching worked particularly well in the Bible curriculum, providing practical application of biblical truth. We also used staff devotions time in the spring before the full fall implementation to expose all our teachers and administrators to the Rosbergs’ teaching. We laid an excellent foundation for TGRE in that way, and teachers were able to earn one ACSI continuing education unit (CEU) in biblical studies. They also earned a CEU for a “great Jesus relationship experience” devotional series, which I taught at the start of TGRE.
As an administrator, I introduce each month’s theme, X-claim, and Scripture in the school newsletter. I am the point person for disseminating the Web link to all the staff and parents in the school community. I regularly publish testimonials about the impact of TGRE. I certainly encourage all the staff members to move beyond “ceremonial programming” to actual life transformation for adults and students alike through TGRE.
Visual reinforcement of this culture of godly relationships takes place through parking lot and interior banners, wristbands, T-shirts, and posters. Creative novelties with the “I can relate” catchphrase are in the works. These visuals are loosely analogous to the phylacteries worn by Jewish people and to the relationship commands written on the doorframes of their houses and on their gates (Deuteronomy 6:8–9).
First-time start-up fees are not exorbitant. Monthly fees are affordable for any Christian school, no matter the size. Some schools obtain sponsorships to cover the fees. TGRE is not about generating revenues. TGRE is about enhancing a Christian worldview regarding relationships in your school!
We were quite pleased with the impact of TGRE in its first year, 2007–2008. Following that experience, we tweaked TGRE, and we are well under way in 2008–2009. We have implemented TGRE in kindergarten through grade six, and we have plans for adapted approaches at the preschool, junior high, and high school levels. Christian schools in Connecticut, Georgia, California, Florida, and Colorado are gearing up to make TGRE part of their schools in 2008 or 2009 as well. Using the assistance of communication specialist Sara Sanger, we are now attempting to reach students and families internationally with TGRE!
A DMCS kindergarten student was observing his mother as she chipped away at inch-thick ice on their driveway during a harsh Iowa winter last year. The mom thought she had accomplished enough for the evening. She began to walk away from the incomplete task. Her son, who had clearly internalized one of the main concepts of The Great Relationship Experience, exhorted her: “Mom, you’re not showing perseverance!” She finished the job. And she was excited to report this learning by her son. The Great Relationship Experience continues at Des Moines Christian School, through the power of the Holy Spirit moving in the hearts and minds of such students. If a kindergartner can understand The Great Relationship Experience so well, all your students can, too.
One of our third-grade teachers creatively developed a two-piece “perseverance puzzle” activity that linked the piece that made up the left side, a problem in the student’s life, with the piece that made up the right half, a solution that would allow the student to persevere. One student wrote, “I haven’t been able to play my guitar since I got it. Then I kept practicing. Now I play better every day.”
Satan is fighting a cosmic battle against God. The battlegrounds for Christian schools are the minds of our students. The culture’s siren songs often mislead our kids, including in the arena of relationships. We believe that it is important for Christian schools to partner with families as they attempt to nurture a biblical worldview of relationships.
In Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions, George Barna has stated that children’s spiritual identities are largely in place by the age of 13 (2003, 33–34). We must make hay with instruction about relationships while the sun shines.
To help you implement a great relationship experience in your school, you can obtain tested timelines. You can also make use of an impressive PowerPoint detailing the need for TGRE. A step-by-step, month-by-month implementation guide keeps you from having to reinvent the wheel. If you would like to learn more about The Great Relationship Experience, contact Bob Stouffer at rstouffer@dmcs.org or at 515.252.2480, ext. 1008, or contact Dr. Clint Grider of America’s Family Coaches at cgrider@draryandbarb.com. Check out Des Moines Christian School at www.dmcs.org and America’s Family Coaches at www.drgaryandbarb.com.
Reference
Barna, George. 2003. Transforming children into spiritual champions. Ventura, CA: Regal Books.
Relationship 12.3